Don’t bother coming down.

I’ve hardly written a word for pleasure since I started this Quality Assurance gig, nor have I put ink to brush.  I started this blog just as a place to start certain conversations with myself, but I think I will open it up, now, because it is immensely satisfying to write here from my stark little cube, and if I don’t start writing regularly again life’s gonna get real cranky, real fast.

Speaking of cranky, I definitely am this morning.  The weather has turned downright nasty, and I had big trouble waking up this morning — for none of the usual reasons, and despite 9 hours of restless sleep.  I miss the dreams that come from sleeping late, or at least remembering them.  Last last night I dreamed that I was talking to Chad about why he fucked me over so poorly, and dream-him had nothing helpful to say. 

Downtown this morning, waiting for the bus, I so viscerally missed that work.  I wanted to get in the van, slam the door, and cruise off through the rain — away from Portland, maybe to Seattle.  I miss the hours of music and scenery, singing whole albums loud instead of singing low little songs to myself as I walk between busstops.  I miss the adventure, and using my brain, and being trusted to handle thousands of dollars in cash and inventory and spontaneous big decisions, whereas now I can hardly send an email without running it by someone.  (And today, that someone is Tristan.  Boo!)  I miss something new happening every day, meeting new people at new shops in new cities, and could never miss this unchangeable grind.  I miss coming home excited and full of stories after days away.  Lately I come home exhausted from nothing and without stories and feel as if I haven’t seen Marcus in days, although I slept beside him last night and the night before.  I was making way less money then, but I was scraping by — now I make over twice as much before taxes, and nearing my third paycheck I am still flat broke. 

Back when I started, after that first Hempfest, I gave myself a year to see how I liked it, and I did indeed clock out at about a year with them.  It was probably time.  I just doubt I have more than a year of this new work in me either.  At least it’s inciting me to finish (well, erm…start) my Pacifica application.  I go back and forth between whether to get my revenge on Chad by turning him in to the IRS, or turning him and his world into a comic/zine.  Depends on how generous I’m feeling, I guess.

Watching the election, I had this strange feeling that keeps revisiting me.  Or, I should say: watching the camera scans of celebrating crowds.  Some voiceover talked about all the people throughout history who worked for that moment, who had a stake in it — I felt that all the emotion releasing into the night was also ghosts releasing, a heavy haunted duty turning light, turning upwards.  Redemption is not a word I tend to use or think with, these days.  Some of my favorite mythcrit talked about redemption as a crux of American myth — that we tell ourselves, over and over again, that someone will come to town and deliver us from an evil that is not our own.  These critics maintained that this was impossible, basically a political lie, and that we are less healthy for it.  But election night made me wonder whether we have just tweaked our own myth into something more healthy.  Made me wonder about the function of leaders and the necessity of having someone up on that pedastal.  Power not abused, not absolute.  What I appreciate most about Obama is that he can play that leader without taking the rhetoric to “the evil outside our walls.”  When he speaks about meeting internal challenges, about service and sacrifice, that’s when I trust him most.  That’s when I wonder whether Redemption is not, after all, an ideal to be chucked wholesale.

Redeem: 

1. to buy or pay off; clear by payment.
2. to buy back.
3. to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction.
4. to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.
5. to convert (paper money) into specie.
6. to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).
7. to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.).
8. to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.
9. Theology. to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

Funny how, when you look up Redemption, that number 9 meaning shoots straight to the top. 

Middle English: Red- (Re- before a vowel) plus -imere, form of “to purchase.”  Here I was thinking it’d be something like Re- -deem, maybe a re-naming or re-judging….but “Deem” is much earlier ME, and comes from “Doom.”

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~ by Arrrow Marie on November 12, 2008.

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