I am being schooled in the present like I haven’t been in a long time. 


My heart is fluttering.  It feels like it’s waking up after a long, long time.  I am trying not to squash it every day.


Every day is so different!  A lady told me last summer, “Every day is a pearl.”  This is true.  Or, maybe, every day is a little speck of grit and we are the shiny nacre, accruing new.  If so, then I am a whole string of pearls. 


Also, lately, my dreams are wack.  Wackity wacker than usual.


Here are some websites that have been helping me not squash these baby butterfly feelings as I sit all day in this gray cube grinding my fingers into the keyboard:  www.learningtoloveyoumore.com   www.realitysandwich.com  I read them and laugh and am reminded that the joke is on…who?  Whoever thinks this cube-world is the only real there is.


Also, I don’t even want a cigarette.


Right now I want to paint.  I want to write.  I want to explode.  More than anything I want to want what I want.  I am trying to feel it now.  Sometimes it doesn’t work.  Sometimes I fall away into the future and it’s such a strange absence-pain I almost cry.  Why don’t I cry?  I cry in my dreams, and then I’m asking, Why don’t I sing?   In my dream, my  mom has the answer and she says it’s because I want revenge. 


Here/now is a different dream, and there is no answer.  There’s nowhere even to go from that sentence, I keep typing and erasing, turning around and around.  Even here, I am practicing staying here. 


And we descend into nonsense.  In one hour, I can go home.  When I’m here at work, I always feel a million things hanging over me I have to do.  And when I’m home, I forget almost all of them.


~ by Arrrow Marie on January 20, 2009.

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