This focus on the delicious anchors me in my emptiness.

 

I need to get ahold of a camera for this thing because I have been making some seriously gourmet dinners.  Deliciosissimi, even.  I may be homeless and living day-by-day but that won’t stop me from turning dollar-produce-bag into pure yum.  For some reason all the cheap food I keep running across is food I’ve never cooked (/in years), food Marcus doesn’t like: bell peppers (roasted!), chile (relleno!), fish (spicy salmon!), polenta (smoked chedder tomato!), hazelnut (risotto!).  Ingredient-hunting + imagination + cooking calms me down + put it in your mouth + something I can give back to the lovely people letting me crash in their houses = sanity saved.  For today.  Thanks food!

After a few strange emails / messages from Grandma, I’m getting very wary of this plan of living temporarily with her, even if we were able to establish some set of ground rules.  I am hoping someone less crazy-making will offer a calm, good-cooking, art-making me a private little corner to do my thing until I get my own place.  Keep y’alls fingers crossed for me.

This is my work voice.  Some days I can integrate, some days not.  Yesterday not — I graded all my Spanish tests and couldn’t concentrate and kept spilling shit all over and got really frustrated at how with any display of emotion Tristan looks at me like I’m a four year old/puppy-with-a-broken-leg and wants to touch me.  Please don’t touch me.  Or he comes into my cube and and asks how I’m doing, and when I turn around something in my face makes his face fall, like I’ve just said the saddest thing, and all I did was turn around!  This is like how last night my uncle called me and we had a lovely conversation — only to hear from my grandma this morning that my uncle said I “sound awful.”  Thanks for the support, guys!  I think I’m doing pretty damn well, all things considered.   So yesterday around 3 I took off early for the day thinking I’d give myself the alone time I needed — psych!  I fell asleep.  I fell asleep at Marcus’, where he finally could just lay down next to me and talk, and let me talk to him, and cry to him, and then Chinche curled up on my chest and I fell hard asleep.  Mmm, sleep.  Sometimes I get frustrated with his lack of question-asking, but sometimes it is just such a fucking blessing to be comforted by someone who will not as you for one little thing — not how you are, not what you want, certainly not what you’re thinking — just wants to be quietly next to you.  Still, I couldn’t get him out of the house to go get gelato-with-espresso-poured-on-top, because he had to work on an essay.  This is where I really just don’t get it.

So yeah…can’t shake the work voice.  It’s ok.  Monday night I was writing and the crazy voice came out to play for the first time in a long time.  I am so stuck in work voice I can’t even describe crazy voice, or begin to approximate its lovliness.  I miss you, crazy voice!  Every night this week I’ve meant to type it up here, but something else has come up instead.  Things like not being able to do anything but sit in Caitlin’s sister’s bed and listen to Nina Simone for being suddenly seized with that ecstatic crying.  I’ll type it up soon enough.

Mom was in my dreams last night — she’s become a seriously regular presence, like nightly, even when I don’t remember the details.

It’s payday, and I’m doing a very good job of not blowing $150 on these gorgeous Fleuvog boots on ebay auction.  Such a good job that I will not even post the link for you!

Life is a strange balancing act these days.  I cannot hold the extreme, beautiful emptiness I experienced — but I am trying not to just fill on up again with whatever crap comes along.  The feelings need the emptiness — life requires nourishment.  I looked up “delicious” as the word, and I got: delicious 

c.1300, from O.Fr. delicieus, from L.L. deliciosus “delicious, delicate,” from L. delicia (pl. deliciæ) “a delight,” from delicere “to allure, entice,” from de- “away” + lacere “lure, deceive.” 
At the same time the site’s word of the day is inanation: Inanition derives from Latin inanitio, “emptiness,” from inanire, “to make empty,” from inanis, “empty.” It is related to inane, “lacking sense or intelligence; pointless.”  “Inanna” keeps popping up lately, a story of stripping off and stripping off to a deep raw empty core — I wonder if they connect, those words. 
Anyway, these two coming up together reminds of this balancing act.  Similarly when I learned how aesthetic and aescetic intertwine.  Similarly to a sentiment in the yet-untyped crazy-voice missive.  This focus on the delicious anchors me in my emptiness. 
P.S. How many times can I use the word “lovely” in one post?  Vocabulary, please!
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~ by Arrrow Marie on March 13, 2009.

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