I suddenly remember that dream from years ago, of a killer whale swimming South through the Willamette…

I’m a mess on the inside this morning.  I like it that way, so sick of pulling it together to be a capable zombie on the outside all workday long.  I only have to do this for six more work-days.  / Two more weeks, really.  Then I can let these last little twisty ties holding me together just fall apart — I suspect I will be able to do nothing other than fall apart, and it will be the most joyful expiration. 

The ocean will catch me.  I thought about this driving to work this morning where the freeway winds along the river, and everything is river colored and the air is full of river and I felt the river just sitting there, rising at the pace of drizzle, heavy and stuck and, more than anything, dirty.  We constantly wallow in our big slow dirty river, here — and yes it moves, but also it doesn’t move, and on days like today its so stagnant and monochrome it’s easy to not even see it.  The better part of five years not even seeing it, so deep in it’s damp stink.  Am I making sense?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  I’m not talking about the Willamette here but its polluted other self, and its sister that hangs over the city in the constant dripping clouds.  We sit here three months of the year all bloated on our own emotion, walking as if underwater, can’t see but three inches in front of our face.  What I need more than anything this morning is to prostrate myself to the salty engine ocean.  Grind me down and wash me clean.  I don’t care that you, too, are full of sewage and cheetos bags, Pacific.  Is it the salt?  Is it the sun?  You always take what I give you and you leave me grimy clean.

 

I was wondering about this word last night: Anger.

 

1150–1200; ME < Scand; cf. ON angr sorrow, grief, akin to OHG angust (G Angst fear), L angor anguish

 

An”ger\, n. [OE. anger, angre, affliction, anger, fr. Icel. angr affliction, sorrow; akin to Dan. anger regret, Swed. [*a]nger regret, AS. ange oppressed, sad, L. angor a strangling, anguish, angere to strangle, Gr. ? to strangle, Skr. amhas pain, and to. anguish, anxious, quinsy, and perh. awe, ugly. The word seems to have orig. meant to choke, squeeze. ?.]

 

(cf. O.E. enge “narrow, painful,” M.Du. enghe, Goth. aggwus “narrow”)

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~ by Arrrow Marie on April 1, 2009.

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