I’ll take the physical challenge, Mark.

In some ways, I’ve gotten too comfy here in Stanton and lost some momentum.  I’m having a really hard time getting it up for this last move.  Or, it scares the shit out of me.  All of the above.

In other ways I’m still putting up a pretty mean facade of comfyness.  (Well, who the fuck knows — how well can I tell how much of it is successful facade and how much comes off worse as being an asshole?)  Being around Kristin all day today — around someone who makes me feel myself, understood, and real — made me realize how needy I really am.  That, and she reminds me of who I was when I talked a lot of big talk about wanting more than comfort.  What was it I wanted instead, again?  More than to be merely content.   Me letting all those old notebooks slip away was like Philly Kaeti playing a fucking double dare practical challenge joke on mynowself.

Despite the weird tone of this, I’m not even depressed.  Just freaking sensitive — throughout the day and especially at night there are even more light moments than dark.  I can’t give them words  yet, so you don’t get to hear about them much.  The world pours gifts into me.  I burn and I sway and there are songs and little dances and when I’m there, I couldn’t care less about what I sacrifice for comfort: comfort is laughable.  Even I am laughable, the world laughs me.  I shake with gratitude.


1. contentedly confident of one’s ability, superiority, or correctness; complacent.
2. trim; spruce; smooth; sleek.

I never heard of #2!

1545–55; Perhaps akin to Low German smuck, neat, from Middle Low German, from smucken, to adorn.
Smug\, a. [Of. Scand. or Low German origin; cf. LG. smuck, G. schmuck, Dan. smuk, OSw. smuck, sm[“o]ck, and E. smock, smuggle;
Wait, you’re telling me “smug” and “schmuck” are like the same word, and that “schmuck” is German?
“The meaning “having a self-satisfied air” is from 1701, an extension of the sense of “smooth, sleek” (1582), which was commonly used of attractive women and girls.”
“Offensive satisfaction,” they call it.
Ah, 1701.  When saucy self-satisfied ladies were so out of style a whole word for their neatness boomeranged from admiration to offense.
Regarding the facade of comfiness: obviously.

~ by Arrrow Marie on May 29, 2009.

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